On Being Classy

Top Ten Tips for Staying Classy

1. Never run in the rain

One walks down the street and all of a sudden the skies open up with an unexpected downpour. One will notice every Tom, Dick and Harry scurrying this way and that to the nearest available shelter, panicked, as if they were made of sugar. The classy individual does not react, and simply keeps walking at the same cadence as before. All will get wet regardless, but the more refined amongst us accept such inevitabilities with grace.

2. Always carry cash money

The sort who keeps $50 to $100ish in small notes in the back pocket is much better prepared to interact with society's more fringe endeavours than the EFTPOS/Apple Pay dependent unwashed peasant majority. Be it a farmers' market, a busker, the tooth fairy, or perhaps a gesture of generosity to those less fortunate. The cash-carrying soul thrives, whereas the latter asks the most unclassy question of all: "Do you have EFTPOS?"

3. Always carry a clean, folded handkerchief

A crisp, ironed, folded handkerchief is an item that is seldom needed, but producing one while consoling an upset friend is a move of class, should the need ever arise. (Which it hasn't yet, so rotate hankies every five to ten years, or as fashion dictates.)

4. Put your phone away

If one finds oneself at a café or bar alone, be it waiting for a contemporary or simply contemplating existential ponderings over a gimlet or what have you, look around at every other patron sitting by themselves and you will see a sad scene: otherwise beautiful, powerful creations of God, shrivelled up like drying raisins, hunched over their little black rectangles. The more enlightened will offer a contrast: a straight, open posture, presence of mind, and curiosity for the boundless beauty of the here and now.

5. Have at least three go-to jokes (one clean, one dirty, and one long and dirty)

No more unclassy words have been spoken than "I never remember any jokes." Class, at its core, is all about perceived effortless preparation. When the zingers start flying at the staff Christmas party, the suave operator is prepared. Yours truly, for example, has a clean one involving elephants in trees, a dirty one comprising a clever dwarf and a vaginal infection, and a long dirty one telling the tale of a Scottish gentleman engaging in light bestiality.

6. Have your bus card ready to go

As one journeys via the most cultured mode of transportation, under no circumstances must one become a little Mary Pat-a-Pocket. Yours truly is hard-pressed to think of a better display of blatant crassness than holding up the queue while checking every pocket, bag and undergarment for an elusive Snapper card. As mentioned earlier, class is perceived effortless preparation, and nothing says that better than the card at the ready, poised to embark on one's urban adventures.

7. Get a brimmed hat

Nothing screams class like a well-made, well-fitted and, most importantly, outfit-complementing brimmed hat. Indeed a risky move, but when pulled off, class will ooze out of every class hole. Bonus points for perfecting the art of the tip. One well-timed tip will elevate one's social standing into the stratosphere.

8. Perfect the art of the wink

The perfect complement to a tip of the hat, or to the punchline of a go-to joke, is a confident yet subtle wink. A moment of pure class if executed correctly, though quite the high-risk gesture. I suggest practising every night while ironing your hankies.

9. Never eat and walk in public

I understand all too well the temptation to eat the family bucket while walking down Courtenay Place at 1am. Believe me. When mildly intoxicated via ample merriment, one must dig deep into the reserves of discipline and remain committed to indulging in said bucket only after the Uber ride home, like a true lady or gentleman.

10. Get into whatever your kids are into

This is the most dignified parental advice yours truly has ever received. The allure of forcing your children to enjoy '90s hip-hop, '90s Simpsons episodes or single malt Scotch is indeed strong. However, a more refined move is to flip the script entirely. Pure class is the purposeful setting aside of one's own interests for a while in order to absorb and follow the enthusiasm of others. Well, it doesn't get classier, brimmed hat or no.